There is always tomorrow

I think one of the saddest things in life is realizing that who you thought you were only is a fabrication of some wild concoction that you imagined somewhere in your youth.  That your dreams and goals are never going to happen because it’s not your lot in life, and that help is not something that just asking for instantly materializes.   It’s sad when we lose that power to create in our lives the greatest abundance available to us because we’ve been beaten down by life.  When creativity and imagination no longer has life for it has been abandoned long ago, and is lost somewhere in the darkness of our mind.  It’s sad when you can no longer see a light leading you forward only feelings of darkness surround you, and moments of being claustrophobic completely seem too smothered and absorbed you by emotions of turmoil and despair. 

It’s sad when you see your life before you and in your eyes you haven’t accomplished anything and time is quickly passing you by. One minute your young and there is so my life ahead to live and the next your old and you have nothing to show.   In my case I constantly have people telling me “how can you possibly say that?”  I guess to the world that is true, I am a mother, wife, grandmother, I have helped my husband with his business, been cook, housekeeper, babysitter, business manager, bill payer, and the list just goes on and on, oh and how could I forget that for the past 10 years have raised two of my grandchildren (which don’t let anyone fool you is so much harder the second time around).  I have been there to help my sister-in-law and father-in-law through their sicknesses and any other crisis that arose in their lives.  I have been the organizer for every holiday always preparing all the food and entertaining at my home.  I have been the doormat, victim and invisible person not only to my family members but at times to friends as well.  So I guess you could say that I have accomplished a whole lot.  But if you look closely the “I” is what is missing in my life.  There is not one “I” did this for myself, “I” accomplished this goal,” I” tasted and savored life and made my success not because I was forced to by obligation or society but because it was my inner calling.

Ninety-nine percent of my life I can accept my lot in life, but today is that one percent, that I feel cheated and used.  Today is that one percent that I want to throw up my hands and tell everyone “I’m done”.  There is no more, the cup is empty and I no longer am going to allow you all to fill it back up.  I am someone important and just out of fear of losing what I offer should not be an excuse for anyone of them to stop in their tracts, to show me they value me in their lives.  Today is that one percent that I don’t want to care, don’t want to worry about everyone else’s problems, don’t want to figure out the solutions to make everyone else’s life stress free and shower everyone with unconditional love.  Right now, right this moment is all about me.

Funny thing is I can rant and rave all I want about all this, but in reality the saddest part is that no one will ever know how I feel.  No one will take the time to stop,  listen and act and what’s even worst is that ten minutes from now, my one percent of “I” will turn back into 100% of being who I always was because that my friends is my lot in life that I have chosen and accepted.  That is who I am and who I always will be.  But if only for just one glorious moment I could be who I always thought I was supposed to be, I wonder how much better the world would have become by the gifts that I have surrendered and let go unused. For only one glorious moment if I could live the life I always envisioned, I wonder where I would be, who I would be helping, and how I would be loved and respected.  I wonder if it is out of fear that I could lose it all that holds me back, or I wonder if believing in that inner voice is worth risking it all.   Sometime I hate the part of me that makes me vulnerable.  I hate the insecurities that I had growing up that stop me from being important and special in my own eyes.  I hate being the image and wearing the masked that I easily accept because I feel “I” don’t deserve better.  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, to that place that my identity was snatched and destroyed and nurture it back to health. Sometimes I wish that life just wasn’t so darn hard and that just once I could catch a break.  There is a song that has a line it in that goes something like this, “there is always tomorrow for dreams to come true and tomorrow is not far away”.  Maybe if I make that my mantra and believe it in my heart who knows what tomorrow might bring.

I guess I should be grateful that, that one percent only comes around every once in a while, for I truly have so many blessings in my life to be grateful for.  I know where I am right now and what I am dealing with is part of some major plan designed so long ago, I just pray that it holds a happy ending, and if you’re experiencing what I am right now then take my advice stop and write down your feelings and air them out.  Get them out of your mind and out of your heart because once it’s released it has no hold over you any longer. Only then can you move forward in whatever direction you choose with an open mind and open heart. Only then are you allowing your inner child the right to heal.  Only then when you give your voice to your feelings can you see through all the muck and make sense of the situation.  Maybe today this one percent is pushing me to validate my feelings and take action.  Maybe today I will be strong and brave and chose the “I” over the “we”.  Maybe today my family should be worried and fear that they have something so valuable they could lose and maybe just maybe today will be filled with the promises of tomorrow.