There is always tomorrow

I think one of the saddest things in life is realizing that who you thought you were only is a fabrication of some wild concoction that you imagined somewhere in your youth.  That your dreams and goals are never going to happen because it’s not your lot in life, and that help is not something that just asking for instantly materializes.   It’s sad when we lose that power to create in our lives the greatest abundance available to us because we’ve been beaten down by life.  When creativity and imagination no longer has life for it has been abandoned long ago, and is lost somewhere in the darkness of our mind.  It’s sad when you can no longer see a light leading you forward only feelings of darkness surround you, and moments of being claustrophobic completely seem too smothered and absorbed you by emotions of turmoil and despair. 

It’s sad when you see your life before you and in your eyes you haven’t accomplished anything and time is quickly passing you by. One minute your young and there is so my life ahead to live and the next your old and you have nothing to show.   In my case I constantly have people telling me “how can you possibly say that?”  I guess to the world that is true, I am a mother, wife, grandmother, I have helped my husband with his business, been cook, housekeeper, babysitter, business manager, bill payer, and the list just goes on and on, oh and how could I forget that for the past 10 years have raised two of my grandchildren (which don’t let anyone fool you is so much harder the second time around).  I have been there to help my sister-in-law and father-in-law through their sicknesses and any other crisis that arose in their lives.  I have been the organizer for every holiday always preparing all the food and entertaining at my home.  I have been the doormat, victim and invisible person not only to my family members but at times to friends as well.  So I guess you could say that I have accomplished a whole lot.  But if you look closely the “I” is what is missing in my life.  There is not one “I” did this for myself, “I” accomplished this goal,” I” tasted and savored life and made my success not because I was forced to by obligation or society but because it was my inner calling.

Ninety-nine percent of my life I can accept my lot in life, but today is that one percent, that I feel cheated and used.  Today is that one percent that I want to throw up my hands and tell everyone “I’m done”.  There is no more, the cup is empty and I no longer am going to allow you all to fill it back up.  I am someone important and just out of fear of losing what I offer should not be an excuse for anyone of them to stop in their tracts, to show me they value me in their lives.  Today is that one percent that I don’t want to care, don’t want to worry about everyone else’s problems, don’t want to figure out the solutions to make everyone else’s life stress free and shower everyone with unconditional love.  Right now, right this moment is all about me.

Funny thing is I can rant and rave all I want about all this, but in reality the saddest part is that no one will ever know how I feel.  No one will take the time to stop,  listen and act and what’s even worst is that ten minutes from now, my one percent of “I” will turn back into 100% of being who I always was because that my friends is my lot in life that I have chosen and accepted.  That is who I am and who I always will be.  But if only for just one glorious moment I could be who I always thought I was supposed to be, I wonder how much better the world would have become by the gifts that I have surrendered and let go unused. For only one glorious moment if I could live the life I always envisioned, I wonder where I would be, who I would be helping, and how I would be loved and respected.  I wonder if it is out of fear that I could lose it all that holds me back, or I wonder if believing in that inner voice is worth risking it all.   Sometime I hate the part of me that makes me vulnerable.  I hate the insecurities that I had growing up that stop me from being important and special in my own eyes.  I hate being the image and wearing the masked that I easily accept because I feel “I” don’t deserve better.  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, to that place that my identity was snatched and destroyed and nurture it back to health. Sometimes I wish that life just wasn’t so darn hard and that just once I could catch a break.  There is a song that has a line it in that goes something like this, “there is always tomorrow for dreams to come true and tomorrow is not far away”.  Maybe if I make that my mantra and believe it in my heart who knows what tomorrow might bring.

I guess I should be grateful that, that one percent only comes around every once in a while, for I truly have so many blessings in my life to be grateful for.  I know where I am right now and what I am dealing with is part of some major plan designed so long ago, I just pray that it holds a happy ending, and if you’re experiencing what I am right now then take my advice stop and write down your feelings and air them out.  Get them out of your mind and out of your heart because once it’s released it has no hold over you any longer. Only then can you move forward in whatever direction you choose with an open mind and open heart. Only then are you allowing your inner child the right to heal.  Only then when you give your voice to your feelings can you see through all the muck and make sense of the situation.  Maybe today this one percent is pushing me to validate my feelings and take action.  Maybe today I will be strong and brave and chose the “I” over the “we”.  Maybe today my family should be worried and fear that they have something so valuable they could lose and maybe just maybe today will be filled with the promises of tomorrow.  

Legacy of Love

Legacy of Love

Silently, she sat, her fail body gently swaying to the rhythm and motion of her rocking chair.  Her mind lost to another place and time, to a time of her youth when love was fresh and alive.  When living to her meant more than security and possessions.  Old and precious memories are all she has now as they flash across her aged mind leaving behind in the aftermath the destruction of her emotions.  Slowly she surveys her familiar surrounding before her.  The cluttered walls plastered with pictures and memento’s emphasizing the accomplishments of her life.  The worn out  and aged furniture that she refused to allow anyone to part with no matter their condition, for they were not worn in her eyes but had taken on the appearance of an old trusted friend.  Off in the distance the sounds of laughter drew her attention back to reality to the familiar faces of strong, robust, adults whom long ago were infants that she lovingly had cradled to her bosom, and realizing all that she had and all that she had lost a tear slowly made a pathway down her frail face.  It is her eightieth birthday and Valentines Day.  Though she is surrounded by her loved ones, something is missing.  Memories of one vibrant man who carried her off in her youth and claimed her as his bride is the life force that she silently mourns for.  Thirty-five years have passed since the day cancer had claimed his last breath.  Thirty-five years of holidays come and gone but this was the hardest one for her to endure.  How he would always remember her special day with hand written love poems expressing his undying love he had for her.  Oh how she treasured his words, if only she could hear them now.  If only, silently she lowers her head and exhales a deep sigh.  How much longer will she have to endure without him?  Unaware that she was no longer alone in her moment of weakness, her body jumped at the feel of a warm hand gently resting on her fallen shoulders.  Refusing to let her emotions overcome her and spoil the festivities of those around her, she lifted her head in defiance of the turmoil raging within her soul and gave her best interpretation of a smile.  The love she received emanating from her daughters eyes was enough to release the flood of tears she fought so hard to contain.  Immediately her daughters arms where wrapped around her offering her comfort and love and for only a brief moment, she succumbed and allowed herself to become the child and her daughter to become the mother.  Tenderly they pulled apart and a broken smile illuminated her face.  Without uttering a word, her daughter extended out her hand, Happy Birthday Mom and most importantly Happy Valentine’s Day. There within the youthful fingers laid a familiar worn and battered book.  One red ribbon encircled the cover as though in a loving embrace. A look of fear then jubilation filled the old woman’s soul at the sight of this book.  A book of poems presumably lost long ago.  A gift she received right before death claimed the life of the one man she had ever loved.  Her trembling hand reached out and placing her fingertips upon the familiar cover, her body was immediately filled with his presence.  Passively she ran her fingertips over the embedded lettering, “Legacy of Love”.  Silently and ever so gently she caressed those words, inhaling in the sweet memories of his face, his touch, his presence and most importantly his love.  Slowly she unfolded the ribbon and drew in a deep breath.  Needing encouragement and strength to proceed forward, she found it waiting within her daughters loving eyes.  With trembling hands she turned the cover to reveal his last words written to her.  With no more than a whisper she brought his words back to life.  “My love”, she paused, choked with emotions, “never will life hold more than this passing of time that I have shared with you. For never has my heart known love as pure and unrestrained as you have shown me, to have lived my life without the gift of your embrace would be to never have lived at all.  To have never experienced the feel of your body, the warmth of your kiss would be an injustice.  For you have taught me through your passion the real meaning of what Love is all about.  A love like ours will never die but will endure and forever be carried forward from generation to generation through our offspring.   Our Legacy of Love will comfort you until that glorious day when we are once again reunited in God’s Kingdom. Happy Birthday my love but most importantly Happy Valentine’s  Day”  Clutching the worn out book against her breast she struggled to compose herself, as she surveyed the room totally unaware that all her children and grandchildren had surrounded her.  Wiping the tears of yesterday away, she gazed tenderly at her family before her.  Her husband was right the love they shared had been carried forward and the evidence was there within each of their smiles and loving embrace.  She rose from her rocking chair full of confidence and strength, stretched out her arms to be enfolded by her children’s loving embrace and told all that she was proud to have been chosen so long ago to be the one to carry on his legacy of love.

With Valentine’s Day slowly approaching society makes us aware that we MUST do something to show the one special person in our life how much we love and appreciate them.  We are bombarded by Boxes of heart shaped candies, displays of red roses, balloons showing our feelings, tons of cards expressing the words we wish we could say, jewelry stores with huge displays along with prices we can’t afford to pass up.  Let’s not forget the plans for dinner, a movie, a romantic getaway all done in the name of Love.  But is this really what love is all about?  Should love and appreciation only be limited to one day a year, Valentine’s Day?  Should we expect no more to offer or receive than any other day of the year?  Don’t get me wrong everyone likes to receive these gestures but is it a “forced” gesture made so that you don’t end up sleeping in the “dog house” because you forgot to do any of the above.

Love and appreciation should be shown daily even on the smallest of scales.  That look that you see in your loved ones eyes that still gives you goose bumps.  The hug or kiss that you get when you least expect it.  Saying how beautiful you still look when you know you look like you’ve been dragged for miles on a dusty dirt road behind a pickup truck, but he can still see your true beauty emanating out.  Or when he lets you watch that “chick flick” even though you know it’s killing him because the History Channel is running a Marathon about all the famous wars.  Love should be about expressing  our love in the unexpected, like that note you find hidden in your briefcase, or taped on the bathroom mirror, or saving and sharing that last bite of chocolate cake even though you know the last bite is” ALWAYS THE BEST.”  Love is about “attention” something we all crave for, “accepting” for who we are with all our fault, failures, and success,  “appreciating” for all we give or try our best to give.  Love is not bought and is not forced.  It comes naturally and without effort. 

Let’s not forget this Valentine’s Day to be appreciative of all the daily tokens we receive every moment of our lives.  Let’s not forget that Valentine’s Day happens every day in our lives by showing our love in everything we say or do. Let’s remember that what we do and how we do it is our Legacy we leave behind.

Be Patient God Always Has A Plan

Be Patient God Always Has A Plan. We ask for things and assume that God doesn't hear us, but he hears every word we speak both those loud and unspoken.  We just neet to be more patient, we're like a small child when we want something we want it NOW with no substitutions.  We just expect him to just snap his fingers and boom what we ask for will immediately materialize before us.  What we fail to remember is that he knows and sees all.  What we want may not be for our ultimate good.  What we want may cause us more harm than fulfill us. He will answer us and help us but according to his plan not ours, and his plan awaiting us is more than we could ever have imagined.   Always remember even in your darkest of moments that God's plan is worth waiting for. 

Today’s world is filled with constant stress, anxiety, lose and fear.  In every direction we are confronted with situations, people, conditions that place us in panic mode.  We feel overwhelmed, abandoned, and unheard. For some it feels there is no hope, they question “why is this happening to me?”  Where can I go for help? I’m so far into debt that nothing can same me.  How can I survive and take care of my family?  Where do we live?  So many questions and it seems so little answers.

I know from personal experience that I have asked most of these questions and a whole lot more.  I know many times I want to throw in the towel, pull the covers over my head and surrender, but something always stops me.  Something or someone always pulls the covers off, picks me up and marches me forward.  Some unforeseen power never lets me surrender and that power is faith, faith in God that he will always rescue me.  It may not be how I want to be rescued but he has never let me falter nor has he EVER abandoned me.

I have learned from each moment of pain and heartache that enters my pathway.  I have found a strength that I never thought I possessed.  I have expanded my thinking to create solutions that I never thought existed and people have been placed into my life that opened up new doors and avenues for growth. 

We will always feel overwhelmed, pressured, challenged in this life, there is just no getting around it.  It is how we grow and develop into a new and better person.  Trust in God is the only way, the only suit of armor that we can put on to save us from the onslaught of disappointment, pain and lose.  God has a plan for us and the funny aspect of it is that we helped him create it.  We helped him design our life here from the very beginning till the very end, and when we were done planning God examined it closely and when he was completely satisfied that this was the best course of action did he give it his seal of approval.  There is nothing in this world that can or will ever supersede God’s plan for us. He will never let us wander too far off his chosen path and will always gently lead us back to where we need to be.

Faith my friends, cherish her and allow her to be the light you need to achieving your hearts desires.  Faith is a direct line to God.  Surrender to him daily all your cares, worries and concerns and with a grateful heart remember to always thank him for the blessings that you already have and those you want to have in the future.   It is gratitude that we forget to give and gratitude that he desires. 

So my advice today is stop looking and addressing all the negative things in your life.  Stop being jealous of everyone else and what they have by feeling betrayed or forgotten. Stop judging others for their accomplishments or failures. Instead search for one positive gift and concentrate on that.  Give thanks for that positive gift even if it is as small as a good cup of coffee this morning and from that small gesture of giving thanks you will be rewarded.  Then spend the rest of your day looking for the small blessings, like being on time, finding a parking space, sale at the grocery store and so on, and before you know it blessings are all  that you will find.  They will surround you and fill you with more prosperity and abundance than you could have ever imagined.  NEVER FORGET, God continually sends us blessings only we forget to stop and smell the roses.